Not Given Up Yet
by SnorkackCatcher
Summary: Halfblood Slytherin Millicent Bulstrode reflects on her time at Hogwarts, the years of wasted effort she put in trying to be accepted by the popular students of her House, and what she intends to do about it.


_Originally written for the femgenficathon on Livejournal. The prompt was the quote below:_

_We want to know more about people who fail. We care about people who are scared, who act foolishly, who are tricked by their vanity and trapped by their desires ... Flawed characters are the unforgettable ones._ (Susan Shaughnessy)

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Had to give up a lot of things while I've been here. Things I wanted, you know? Well, thought I wanted. People I didn't want to lose. Ambitions I had, once upon a time. People I wanted to be with once. Like the _Cool Club_.

Yeah. Right. Like they'd ever care about that. Took me a long time to work it out, didn't it?

Got there eventually, though. Even 'Big Millie' isn't quite as thick as you think she is, you know?

I knew before I got here what House I wanted to be in. I knew I deserved it as much as them. I _told_ that Hat. _Insisted_ on Slytherin. Most of my blood's as good as theirs. Better, really. My dad's family goes back further than Daphne's or Greg's or Vinny's. My mum's isn't bad. Well, most of it. It's just my gran they don't like.

I like my gran. She's nice to me. Nicer than them. Well, Tracey's decent enough. She's let me stick around. She's been a friend, sort of. Greg and Vinny were OK to me, I suppose. That Mandy girl from the Claws I worked with in Herbology, she's polite. But my gran's always really _liked_ me. Talked to me. Told me stories. She's kind.

I just wish she wasn't a Muggle, you know?

Didn't dare say anything about her to _them_ when I got here. Not to the Slytherin 'Cool Club'. Everyone in our year called them that. Only half joking. Always took the line from them. Younger ones did too. And some of the older ones, come to think of it. Couldn't tell them then, could I? Too scared.

I knew what they'd say. Pretty clear some of them wouldn't accept me as one of their gang, not if they knew. Not Teacher's Pet Draco Malfoy. Not _his_ little pet dog. Heel, Pansy! Not poser-boy Blaisey with his glamorous slapper of a mum. Well, Greg and Vinny never cared that much, but Malfoy always had them at his beck and call too. Don't suppose he ever gave a toss about them, just let them tag along. They were useful. They didn't much mind Tracey being around, whatever her blood was. Well, the boys didn't. She's pretty.

They never paid much attention to me, though. Not me. Not Big Millie. Not Millicent Bulstrode. Not pretty like Tracey Davis. Not smart like Theo Nott, he doesn't care what they think about him. I care what they think about me. No, I cared. My blood's as good as most of them. Wanted to be one of their crowd, did I?

Yeah. Right. Like they'd ever care if I wanted to or not. Took me a long time to give up on them though, didn't it?

Of course they found out about my gran soon enough. Surprised I lasted as long as second year, really, before somebody sussed it. I can still see Malfoy smirking – oh, you're only a _half-blood_, Millicent? We never knew, what a pity for you. Smug patronising bastard. Things not so funny now, Draco, yeah?

I mean, the way he used to sneer at my blood, you'd think I was that little Granger cow! Oh yeah, her. Another teacher's pet. Always jumping up and down with her hand in the air, trying to make the rest of us look stupid. Oh, I _did_ like getting her in a headlock that time. Thank you for the idea, Professor Snape. You're a great bloke, Professor Snape. Yeah, right. Not so clever without your wand though, were you, Miss Hundred and Twelve Percent?

Dunno why I wanted to be part of their gang for so long, really. Not as if they ever noticed me that much, did they? Well, not unless they wanted something, of course. They suddenly noticed me then, didn't they? Oh Millie, I left my Potions book down in the classroom, would you go and get it for me? Oh Millie, how do you love these new robes I got from Gladrags on Saturday? Oh Millie, so glad we ran into you. Will you look after Greg's little brother for us while we get our stuff in Flourish and Blotts?

Suppose I just wanted to prove I could be as good as them. Yeah, suppose that must have been it. Wasn't going to give up without a fight, was I? I just had to give up my pride instead.

Yeah. Took me a long time to work it out, didn't it?

Got there eventually, though. Oh Millie, you mean you're not quite as thick as we thought you were?

Took Frogface to get me to see it, mind you. Oh, I should have had _her_ worked out. Maybe I did. Maybe I _am_ as thick as they think I am. Never liked her that much at first, even if she did wind up the Gryffs. Always smirking at everybody like Malfoy. Treating us like we were seven year olds. Not even school age yet. That voice made you want to scream sometimes.

But then _she_ noticed me.

She started to _smile_ at me instead of smirking. Said she thought my essays were good. I mean, that surprised me – I didn't really know what to write for them, did I? I just copied what it said in Slinky's book.

The teachers don't often say that much to me. Not bad, Miss Bulstrode. Quite acceptable. That's usually the best I get. But she asked me in her office for a chat. It was nicer than I'd imagined it'd be. I liked her cat pictures. I thought I'd done something wrong, but she made me a cup of tea and started talking quite sweetly, really. Said she thought I'd got the right idea. Hinted that she hoped people would be brave enough to tell her if anyone was doing stuff the Ministry wouldn't like.

Mmm. Yes Professor Umbridge. Of course Professor Umbridge. You taught me _something_ in the end, Professor Umbridge. Tell tales. Learned that one well, didn't I?

Couldn't care less about the Ministry, but I fell for it. She wanted me. She'd noticed me. It was flattering, you know? Gave me something in common with the Cool Club, too. We used to talk about how we could get Potter's lot into trouble. Watch what they were up to. Even Pansy Parkinson and her little sidekick Daphne Greengrass brought me into their gang a bit more. Yeah, thanks Pansy. I'm not surprised you never really noticed me before, we only slept in the same room for five years, didn't we?

Didn't know much I _could_ really tell her, anyway. Didn't get to see much of what the Gryffs were doing, did I? I passed on a few bits and pieces I heard about them, just on the off-chance, you know? Don't suppose it made any difference.

Then Professor Dumbledore got kicked out. I reckoned that was a shame. I liked him. He'd always seemed nice. Much nicer than Frogface. I wished he hadn't gone. I wish he was still here. Didn't dare say so though. He's never been popular with the Cool Club in Slytherin. I didn't want to help her that much after that. She was smugger than ever. Her voice started to grate on me again.

But then, it gave me a chance, didn't it? Draco Malfoy came in and said Froggy wanted us all to help her out. Be her 'Inquisitorial Squad'. A badge and everything, stuff you could do you couldn't normally. I never had that before. They never made _me_ a prefect or anything. She told me even Draco recommended me as trustworthy. Right, like _he'd_ know one way or the other.

No, I didn't like helping her much. Still, yeah, after five years it felt like I was finally _in_, though, you know? Part of the Cool Club myself now, wasn't I? People actually looked up to you when you had that little badge. Well, some of them did. Some of them hated you, thought you were Umbridge's little pet. I knew I was as good as them, though. It felt good, you know?

Yeah. Guess Big Millie really was as thick as you thought she was.

All of it went to hell that night Potter and his gang ran off to London. Whatever _that_ was about. Thought we'd got them then. So cool to be able to grab Granger by the scruff of her neck again. She was sobbing her eyes out at the thought that her precious little lover-boy Potty might get _hurt_. But then old Frogface took them off somewhere – silly cow obviously couldn't handle them, even though we had their wands. Oh yeah, their wands. That stupid arse Malfoy had to start playing about with them and distract us, didn't he? Still don't quite know what happened, really. I think we forgot to take the wand off that Ravenclaw weirdo. Anyway, she suddenly woke up and started flinging hexes about. When Professor Snape came back, he was livid.

Oh yeah. Professor Snape. He's a great bloke, isn't he? Yeah, right.

And then Professor Dumbledore came back and they closed us down. I thought we'd be in trouble, but he was really nice about it. Didn't punish us or anything. Just asked us to think about what we'd done when we helped out Umbridge.

I liked Professor Dumbledore. He was kind.

It wasn't too bad though. I was part of the Cool Club now, wasn't I? Well, me and the rest of the Squad. Friends, weren't we? I was even sorry to hear they'd got Draco's dad for something. We all felt sorry for him. We all sympathised with him when he said we'd get our own back on Potter. When we went home, I was looking forward to sixth year. Being accepted. One of them. I suppose I thought I'd made it, didn't I?

Then over the holidays we heard what it was all about. Couldn't help it, could we? It was only in the paper every day. You-Know-Who really _was_ back. Guess Potter hadn't been lying about seeing him, after all. And Malfoy's dad really _was_ helping him out. And Vinny's, and Theo's. Guess Potter wasn't lying about seeing them either.

Yeah right. So Malfoy wasn't just shooting his mouth off all that time ... And I'd wanted to be _part_ of his gang for five years?

Oh yeah, I definitely am as thick as people think.

Didn't know what would happen when we got back. Still might have been nice to be part of something. But that little creep Malfoy and his little _bitch_ Pansy and the rest just ignored me again, didn't they? Didn't want _my_ sympathy. Didn't make any attempt to talk to the old Squad members. Oh no. Didn't care about Big Millie when she couldn't do something for them, did they? Didn't even want to know the half-bloods any more. Didn't even want Tracey around. Daddy wouldn't have liked it, I suppose.

I'd wanted to be part of their gang for five years. Failed to get close for most of it. Finally realised I was always going to fail, didn't I?

Theo's smart, he doesn't care about being in anyone's gang. Smarter than me. I care. No, I _cared_. Finally realised I _didn't_ care any more, did I? Not any more. Not about them. Not the _Cool Club_. Yeah, right. Not so cool with your dad banged up, are you Draco? How do you like it?

I've given up _that_ idea. If I'm going to care about being in someone's gang, it's going to be someone who cares about _me_. Yeah.

But I got to see what they were doing, didn't I? Oh yeah. You always did spend far too much time shooting your mouth off, Draco. And Pansy never could keep her trap shut either. I got a pretty good idea what was going on when I heard them talking. A good idea what was happening to Muggle relatives like my gran. A good idea what happened to those Gryffindor players. A good idea what he was _really_ trying to do.

'Big Millie' isn't quite as thick as you think she is, you know?

Oh yeah, you did teach me something, Professor Umbridge. Tell tales. Learned that one well.

Never knew I passed on what I heard to the headmaster, did you Draco? He was nice. Talked to me. Thanked me. Even warned me to be careful. He cared about me. He was kind. Said the teachers would watch out for Malfoy. Professor Snape would keep an eye on him. Oh yeah. Snape. Great bloke, isn't he?

I thought I might have done some good this time. Might have been enough to warn him. Didn't help in the end though. Failed there too, didn't I? Because Snape was on _their_ side, wasn't he? Killed Professor Dumbledore. Took Malfoy off with him. Bastards. _Bastards_.

I've had to give up too much because of them. I didn't mind giving up _on_ them. Giving up on trying to be in their club. Yeah, right. Now I've had to give up one of the few people who bothered about _me_ because of them. Give up on the hope of stopping them.

This time.

But I'm still here. If any of _them_ are still here next year, I'll get _my_ own back. I'll know what to do now. Because 'Big Millie' isn't quite as thick as you think she is. Because I've given up on you lot.

But I've not given up yet.


End file.
